Coping… Trying to

Tonight, I admit…I feel unequipped, and unable to write.

I could blast out some opinionated piece on the state of our culture today…

But I feel we are so over saturated with it.

I feel all that has needed to be said has been said already…and people, at the end of the day, will hear what they need to…

Fake news, fabricated stories, memes with made up facts, and photos with fabricated quotes…what more can I contribute that would even make a difference?

And so, I also admit that I feel so weak these days. I feel as if each day is a chore to just survive it…

I beat myself up regularly. I rarely look in a mirror. I sabotage possible relationships, by diving in too quickly. I spend countless days alone and have panic attacks just getting on a bus…I risk my heart too often, and I break it willingly for anyone who will take it. It is mine to give. And mine to destroy. And I do.

I’ve always had the lowest opinion of myself. No one has ever been crueler to me than I have. It is a pattern that I feel unable to break, and it is also the reason I am here today. I have beaten myself all the way to 40, without a single GSCE, a level, or high school education to get me here.

I scare myself to deat.